Don't Do It
by Now.Get.This
Summary: Darry hugged me tightly. Please don't, I silently begged. You'll notice. But he didn't. He didn't say a word about my weight. Maybe I'd been in the ward so long, it looked like I had gained weight. That's where I'd been. A psychiatric ward.
1. Friday, 22 October pt 1

**Friday 22 october**

"We're so glad you're home, aren't we Stevie? Steve's been missing ya like crazy!" Soda yelled, as the three of us walked inside the house. He carried my bags into our room, returning not a second later. He stood in the middle of the lounge room and put his hands on his hips, grinning, "Darry! Pony's home!" he yelled. Darry appeared a moment later, charging at me right away for a hug. He picked me up off the floor for a moment, hugging me tightly. _Please don't_, I silently begged. _You'll notice. _But he didn't. He didn't say a word about my weight. Maybe I'd been in the ward so long, it looked like I had gained weight.

That's where I'd been. A psychiatric ward especially for teenagers who suffered eating disorders. My eating disorder? Anorexia is what they called it. It started around the time after Johnny and Dally died. I lost my appetite from being sick and it sort of never came back. Well, it did. But the more I tell myself it didn't come back the less hungry I feel. It's been a year since it started and Darry only noticed a few months ago when I fainted because I hadn't eaten in two days. He took me to hospital and I confessed to the doctors what I'd been doing. I was immediately put into the psychiatric ward for one and a half months and here I am. Home because, apparently, I'm better. I'm far from it.

"It's so great to see you Pony! I missed you so much!" Darry cried. He let go of me and I sighed out of relief. I smiled up at him.

"It's only been three days!" I told him, "But it's good to be home." In the ward I was allowed out on day leave which meant I could go to the movies or hang out with the guys aslong as Darry was with me. I even got to spend the night at home twice! Darry and Soda came to see me as often as they could but Two-Bit and Steve stayed away.

"I know but I missed having ya around. Come on, dinner's ready," Darry told me, turning for the kitchen. They didn't treat me different at all. They were absolutely certain that I was better. So I put on a smile and followed them into the kitchen. Steve was eating with us tonight. And we were having my favourite, chicken. Though it wasn't my favourite anymore. Now my favourite food was water. I drank so much water everyday that I was constantly going to the bathroom. Though I tried not to, especially when it was about time for my weekly weigh-in. The water weight made it seem as if I'd put on weight when I hadn't.

We sat down, me across from Steve and Soda and Darry at the ends of the table. Darry placed two pieces of chicken on my plate and I noticed he had a worried look on his face, not really sure what to think about me eating at home for the first time in so long. And after all that had happened.

"There's salad too," he told me, sitting down and piling chicken onto his own plate. I wasn't planning on eating but I had to pretend to eat a little so I piled some salad onto my plate and settled in for my usual distractions when I ate. I started cutting up the chicken as I spoke.

"So what have I missed out on?" I asked, raising my fork to my mouth and then loweting it, putting the chicken back onto my plate and cutting it up some more.

"Not much. Two-Bit failed another test in school. . ." Soda started to ramble on, I wasn't really listening. I was starting to feel a little nervous, I had to get out of here. I cut up the chicken into tiny pieces, nodding every now and again as if I was really listening to Soda and Steve's comment every now and again. Every now and again I'd raise my fork, piled with food, to my mouth and then ask a question, instantly putting my fork back to my plate and sliding the food off. I hid some of the chicken under the lettuce from the salad and pushed the rest of it into a tiny, packed pile. There, it looked like I'd eaten at least half of it.

"Well, I'm done," I said, interrupting Soda. I stood up and went to pick up my plate, both Steve and Soda were staring up at me, their mouths open.

"No, sit down," Darry told me. I looked to my right, staring him straight in the eye. I'd completely forgotten about Darry. He'd been watching me! He was still watching me, "I know what you did. You didn't eat anything. Sit down and finish," he told me sternly. I slowy sat down and picked up my fork. Darry kept watching me. I stabbed at a piece of tomato with my fork and put it in my mouth._ At least it's healthy_, I thought. I slowly chewed it as Soda and Steve's conversation picked back up.

After a few minutes Darry stood up, taking his empty plate to the sink.

"I'm going to shower, no one use the water until I'm done. Okay, Soda?" he said, walking out into the hallway. We sat in silence, hearing Darry turn on the water in the shower. I had only eaten that piece of tomato and Soda knew it.

"Hey Pony?" he asked quietly. I looked over at him. He looked upset or worried, his mouth drooping at either side, "Please eat something," he told me. I stared at him a moment. _Do you_ want _me to get fat!_ The same sentence kept running through my head until I shook my head no. He sighed and left the table, leaving me and Steve alone. I knew I'd have to sit there all night until they gave up on me so I didn't move. Either did Steve, he continued to eat what was left of his salad. After a minute of two he dropped his fork to his plate.

"Look kid, Soda and Darry are real worried about ya? Please just eat," he begged. I ignored him. Steve had never talked to me like this before, why start now?

When I didn't reply he got up and left the room. Before he went into the lounge room he stopped and looked at me. We stared at each other for a moment before he spoke.

"I'm real worried about you too Pony," he said quietly before leaving me alone in the kitchen.


	2. Friday, 22 October pt 2

**This is only a short chapter but I hope you like it!**

**Friday 22 october pt 2**

It was almost ten o' clock. I'd been sitting here since six-thirty. I'd barely touched my food, eating only a few slices of tomato. I knew what had to be done. As soon as they let me leave the table! Steve had already gone home. He had come to say goodbye to me, giving me a worried look before disappearing out of the kitchen and the house. Soda and Darry were sitting in the lounge room watching TV. I could hear Soda talking a mile a minute, and I bet Darry was barely listening too. Just like it always was. I had snuck out of the kitchen for a minute to get a book to read. I knew I'd be here for a while and I hadn't read much while I was in the ward.

I heard the squeaking of the couch as one of them got up. I knew where they were headed, towards me. I checked what page I was up to before putting my book down and picking up my fork, stabbing another piece of tomato. I lifted it to my mouth taking a deep breath before I bit half of it off. I chewed it slowly as Soda came into the kitchen. He sat down in his spot and watched me chew as I stared straight ahead.

"I'm glad you're eating," he said quietly after a minute or so of silence. I nodded. Tears stung my eyes. This was too much for me to take. Knowing that they were worried about me and being forced to eat again was just too much.

"I'm not," I said, putting my fork down and looking him straight in the eye. His mouth was opened, like he was shocked. He was shocked.

"You told us you were better," he said. I nodded and smiled.

"I was, for a while. Now I'm not and I don't plan on getting better," I was being rude and I definitely knew it. I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms.

"You told us you were better!" he repeated, "Why the hell would you lie to us?" He was yelling at me? After all I'd been through he was yelling at me? It was making me feel worse already. The little food in my stomach was churning.

"Well I'm sorry!" I yelled, standing up so quickly my chair made a loud scraping sound as it was pushed backwards,"But you have no fucking idea what it's like to be like th-"

"Pony, you can leave the table now," Darry came in, standing in the kitchen doorway. He was calm and didn't yell. Maybe he knew how hard this all was and didn't want me arguing with Soda about it. I took a look at both of them before grabbing my book and heading for our bedroom.

"I'm gonna shower!" I yelled at them as I reached my bedroom. I hurried. Throwing my book on my bed and grabbing clean sweatpants and an old tshirt to sleep in. I rushed to the bathroom and locked the door. I threw my clothes on the ground and went for the sink. I turned on the tap and cupped my hand under it, drinking out of my hand like a cup. I did this several times, until I was out of breath from drinking so quickly. I turned the tap off and looked at my face in the mirror. _Fat, fat, fat, _I told myself. _You're so fat, don't ever eat again! _Again, tears sprung to my eyes as I turned to the corner of the room where the scales were. But I didn't weigh myself. I forced myself not to. If I weighed more because of the little salad I ate, who knew what I would do.

I turned on the shower and got undressed. When it was warm enough I got under the water, kneeling down on the ground. I knew what I was going to do. It was horrible but I'd started it in the ward. So it looked like I was better. I'd drink heaps of water and eat a little of every meal, then I'd go throw it up. Like I was doing now. It was digusting but it had to be done. I always did it in the shower or when I absolutely knew no one else was around.

I finished up and stood up, watching my vomit being forced away by the water. Then I showered.


	3. Saturday 23 October pt 1

**Saturday 23 october**

I was sitting on the couch waiting for Soda to go get dressed. Darry was working so the two of us were going out to hang out withTwo-Bit and Steve for the day. I missed Two-Bit. I hadn't seen him for about two months. Hell, I even missed Steve!

The two of us had been sitting on the couch for the last hour. I was dressed and ready to leave. Soda wasn't. I was silently begging him to go get dressed so I could weigh myself. I didn't want him to see in case they realized what I was up to and threw out the scales. _Go get dressed, go get dressed_, I silently repeated in my head. But he didn't move. He was smiling to himself as he watched the morning news on the TV.

"C'mon Soda," I finally cracked, "Go get dressed so we can go out. I'm hanging to see the guys," I told him. He looked at me from the other end of the couch. He made his eyes into little slits, like he was trying to look me up and down without me noticing. But I noticed. He always made that face when he thought something was up. And he had a right to think it in this situation. I just hoped he didn't ask any questions or refuse to leave me alone. Darry was a little like that now. He always made sure I wasn't alone. Last night I had gone to bed straight after my shower and I could hear him and Soda arguing in the lounge room. Soon enough Soda appeared in our room, changing and getting into bed. And this morning I woke up earlier than the others. Not even two minutes after I'd sat down in the kitchen with a glass of water Darry came in. And he hung around with me until he had to leave for work.

"Fine, I'll go get dressed," Soda relaxed his face and got up, headed towards our room. He started to walk but I could hear him running down the hallway and hurrying about our room. He never was very subtle about this sort of stuff. I quickly moved to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly and stepping on the scales as slowly as I could so they didn't make a noise. Even though mom and dad's room is between the bathroom and our room, I was still afraid the sound might travel through the quiet house.

I had closed my eyes as I stepped on and opened them when the numbers had settled. 92. I smiled to myself and slowly stepped off the scale in case the numbers changed or something. I headed back to the lounge room. As soon as I opened the door I saw Soda sitting in the lounge room, pulling on his shoes. He looked up and saw me coming out of the bathroom.

"What were you doing?" he asked, a concerned look upon his face. I shrugged and walked into the lounge room to the front door.

"Nothing, just washing my face," I lied. He looked up at me from tying his shoe lace.

"Since when do you care about washing your face?" he asked, looking back to his shoes. He stood up.

"Since I met someone," I joked. But he didn't get the joke. His face fell serious.

"Who? Who is she?" he yelled, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me a little.

"Actually it's a he."

"Who is he?" he yelled, again. I pushed his hands off my shoulders and turned around, walking out onto the porch.

"I was kidding Soda, turn off the TV," I told him and walked down the drive. I waited for him at the bottom and he joined me not two seconds later. I told you they wouldn't leave me by myself.

We met Two-Bit and Steve at Two-Bit's house. The two of them were lounging around on the couch watching TV, as me and Soda had been doing earlier. We were planning on going out somewhere for lunch but it didn't look like we'd be going anywhere very soon.

Soda and I had walked right on into Two-Bit's house, standing in the doorway as Two-Bit stared at us. Stared at me.

"Golly Ponyboy," he whispered to himself, "Take a look at him!" he looked at Steve who was surprised at Two-Bit's reaction to me. Even Steve hadn't reacted like this. Two-Bit stood up and walked over to me as Soda took his old place on the couch. He put his hands on my shoulders, like Soda had done earlier, "As if you wouldn't eat!" he yelled, grinning, "Food is maybe the best thing in the entire world!" He thought for a moment, looking at the ceiling, "Besides beer and-"

"Two-Bit!" Soda yelled, chuckling, "Leave him alone. Now are we going out to eat or not?"

"Well Ponyboy's certainly not," Two-Bit said, taking his hands off my shoulders and hitting my on the back. That hit rattled through me and I knew it would leave a bruise. That hurt me. Not just the hit on the back, the remark Two-Bit made. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Tears sprung to my eyes, stinging. I looked past Two-Bit at Soda. _Stick up for me. _

"Two-Bit, shut the hell up and let's go," Soda shot at him. Two-Bit turned around to look at Soda. I saw the look of shock on his face as he turned around. Soda stood up, motioning for Steve to follow. He did, standing up and turning off the TV. I walked outside first, hurrying so I could wipe away the few tears without the others seeing. As I walked down the drive to the street Soda caught up with me.

"Are you okay, Pony?" he asked, putting a hand on my back. I nodded, quickly wiping at the tears. I was okay now.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I told him. He smiled small at me, not truly believing it.

"Just try to eat a little for lunch," he whispered as the other two joined us in the street.

The four of us walked along the street to a small diner for lunch. We were joking about and racing each other down the street as we went, having fun like we used to. I was really enjoying myself, not even realizing I was smiling ear to ear until my cheeks started to ache. We reached the diner, going on inside and kicking up a fuss as we ran to the last corner booth. Steve and I sat in the corner, Two-Bit next to me and Soda on Steve's other side. We were silent for the first time all day, looking over the menus. But I already knew what I was going to get. Fries and water. Lots of water. I was starving, as usual. I liked the hunger pains though. I'll admit, sometimes they got so bad it felt as if I was going to be sick and I had to eat a piece of fruit. But other than that, I loved them. Right now was one of those loving moments.

"Watcha gonna get Pony?" Soda asked, putting his menu down.

"Fries," I told him, giving him a look that said 'Don't question me'. He smiled, glad that I wasn't even arguing about eating. The waitress came around, taking our orders. Two-Bit had ordered a burger, two fries and a milkshake. And I briefly remembered how I used to be able to eat as much as he did. I didn't want to be able to eat that much. Just the though of it made me disgusted in myself.

We continued, they continued, to talk as we waited for our meals. They eventually arrived and we started to eat, they started to eat. I didn't eat until Soda looked up from his food, giving me a look that I didn't even want to try and argue with. I had two mouthfulls of water for every three fries I ate. I made sure I didn't concentrate on the conversation but instad on every fries I ate. I noticed Steve looking at me every now and again. Was he making sure I ate or did he think it weird that I was eating? Even Two-Bit would stare at me every minute or so. He must've been surprised that I was eating.

I only got through half the fries before I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the bathroom. Partly because of all the water I drank, partly because I had to get this food out of me. I excused myself, almost wetting myself because Two-Bit didn't want to get out of my way. He didn't want to stop eating for a second until he was done. I almost had to run to the bathroom. I went into one of the stalls, going to the toilet first and then getting on my knees.

* * *

The guys didn't notice anything different. I was sure I stunk of vomit or something. The stall did after I was done and I was afraid one of them would go to the bathroom after me and notice the smell. After putting the pieces together they'd come running out and tell Soda what I had done. Or if Soda was the one to go to the bathroom he'd come running back to our booth and cause a scene as he yelled at me. But neither of these things happened.

It was when the two of us got home that my mood changed. I'd been happy all day. The four of us had gone down the local shopping centre, goofing around and causing trouble where we could. I'd laughed and hadn't even worried about the way I looked. But when we got home I went straight for the bathroom. I had this urge, this killing urge to grab at my arms. To do something to them. I don't know what. But as I leaned against the sink I started to scratch at my left forearm. I was getting frustrated as the feeling wouldn't disappear. Until there was red, blood. I'd scratched so damn hard that tiny little spots of blood had appeared. I felt relief. I sighed.

"Pony?" Soda said from the other side of the door. I gritted my teeth, trying to make the feeling completely disappear before he barged in, "Pony?" he asked again and I heard the door handle turn. I quickly pulled down my sleeve and watched as he opened the door and came in, "What're you doing?" he asked.

"I was going to use the toilet but not if you're going to stand there," I told him. He grinned.

"Sorry it's just Darry told me-" he stopped and realized he had gone too far. Without finishing his sentence he walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. I followed, forgetting about pretending to use the toilet.

"Darry told you what?" I asked when we both reached the kitchen. He stopped and turned around to face me.

"Nothing."

"Darry told you what?" I asked again, crossing my arms over my chest. He looked everywhere but at me and bit his lip as he tried to think of an excuse.

"Darry told me not to leave you alone," he told me. I knew it. And boy, was I angry. So angry that that feeling was coming back. I returned to the bathroom without saying another word to Soda.


	4. Saturday 23 October & Sunday 24 October

**Saturday 23 October pt 2**

I was forced to eat dinner that night. I only ate the salad, most of it this time. I was disgusted in myself. And I didn't even get a chance to go to the bathroom after dinner. Soda had wanted me to hang around with him in the lounge room. Every time I told him I was going to our room or to the bathroom he would come up with a distraction to keep me in the room a little longer.

"Soda, I wanna go to bed," I told him, getting up from the couch. It was about oneAM and I just wasn't in the mood to hang around with him anymore. I felt horrible about eating, it had been on my mind all night.

I headed into our bedroom. I could hear Soda behind me, rushing to turn off the TV and the lights and follow me into the bedroom. Soda collapsed onto the bed while I got changed. He always slept in whatever he wore that day. I don't know how he could sleep in jeans but I never questioned it. He did some funny stuff sometimes.

I turned off the light and laid down on the bed. It felt like hours that I laid there. I kept checking the time, every three or four minutes. By one-thirty, Soda was asleep. Darry had gone to sleep about midnight, so I didn't have to worry about him.

I slowly rolled out of bed and walked across the room to the door. I went out into the hallway and shut the door behind me. I had to make sure everything was as it would be if I was still asleep. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom and went inside, making sure to be extra quiet when I shut the door since that door squeaked sometimes. What was I even doing in the bathroom? I was going to weigh myself. I turned on the light and the scales instantly caught my eyes. I didn't want anyone to catch me weighing myself. Like I said before, they might throw out the scales if they saw me.

I was a little nervous about stepping onto the scales since I didn't have a chance to go to the bathroom after I ate. I paced up and down the tiny room: exercise and I was trying to decide what to do. Should I vomit? Should I just weigh myself? Should I go back to bed? Should I confess what I've been doing?

I thought about that last one. I felt a little guilty about lying but it had to be done. I had to keep doing this until I got to my goal weight, 79 pounds.

And I did it. Without thinking I stepped onto the scales, staring straight down at the numbers swirling around until they stopped. 93. 93! For the millionth time that day, tears stung at my eyes. I stepped off the scales and leaned against the sink. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but before I knew it I was on the ground crying. Curled up in a ball on the cold tiles and crying. Softly, as softly as I could so no one else heard me.

_It can't be right. It can't be right. I've put on weight! No!_

I realized what I was doing so I pulled myself together and stood up again, wiping away the tears. I took a deep breath as I stepped back on to the scales. 93._ Fuck! _

"Pony?" the door swung open and there stood Soda. I gasped, looking up at him. He was surprised too, staring at me standing on the scales, "Pony what're you doing? It's almost twoAM!" I shrugged and he rubbed his head.

"I-"

"Just come back to bed," he grabbed my arm, turned off the light and pulled me down the hallway back to bed.

* * *

**Sunday 24 October**

I woke up late the next morning, about 11:30AM. I noticed right away the cold spot next to me where Soda no longer was. Good, I didn't feel like going through his questioning about last night. He didn't ask anything last night after he found me but I bet he was telling Darry about it right now.

I got out of bed and went straight for the bathroom. That number was still etched into my brain. And it just couldn't be right.

As I walked down the hall I noticed it was unusually quiet.

"Soda? Darry?" I called out, peeking out of the end of the hallway into the lounge room. No one. I walked into the bathroom and shut the door quietly behind me. Just in case they were still in the house and were just waiting for me to go into the bathroom. But the first thing I noticed when I walked into the bathroom was the empty spot. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

"Darry? Soda" I called out again. No answer. I even tried again, yelling louder this time. And again there was no answer. Perfect. I'd get rid of that stupid number in no time.


End file.
